Wheel of Misfortune
Shawn and I may be the only two childless men over thirty I know who spend their Saturday nights going to Toys R’ Us. This isn’t to say that there aren’t others; it’s just that I don’t know them. The other guys are usually Star Wars fanatics out for first edition collectible plastic light sabers and robed action figures that vaguely resemble Ewan McGregor. Or they’re looking for Dungeons and Dragons paraphernalia. They wear Birkenstock sandals and XXXL Spider Man t-shirts over sporty sweat pants. They have long, greasy hair dangling from the edges of their bald spots like defeated, stringy seaweed, and possess a peculiar odor reminiscent of their parent’s dank basements and Cheetos, and something unnervingly organic and better left unnamed. They appear pale and disoriented under the bright fluorescent lights, and are easily distracted by anything bearing the Lord of the Rings movie logo. I’ve seen them, but, as I said, I don’t know them. Shawn and I are way too cool to associate with people like that.

No, we’re not there for first editions of anything (well, not since the Simpsons craze died out everywhere but on eBay and in our hearts, and in the 20-some-odd boxes it took to move the collective collection). Our odor, like our fashion sense, is at worst inoffensive, and our hair grows lush and rampant. We’re a different breed of creepy guy haunting toy stores.

Shawn and I are game players.

This is not to say, however, that we are “Players”, or even “Playaz;” nor are we “Pimpz,” “Ballaz,” “Shotgun Callaz,” “Hoodrat Luvaz,” “Playa Luvaz,” “Gangstaz,” “G’z,” “Thugz,” “Hustlaz,” or anything else ending with a z. That’s an altogether different scene, filled with “Bling” (expensive accessories, like gold watches or dental insurance), “Ho’z” (women of questionable moral fortitude with all the allure and fashion sense of a prostitute, but none of the expense), “Beyotchez” (see: “Ho’z”), and “Hootchie Mamaz” (look it up yourself). I think I speak for both of us when I say we’d rather be the pathetic mama’s boy in the thick glasses hyperventilating over the latest Darth Mal figure (with Dual Action Light Saber!!) than a “playa.”

Luckily, however, we’re just two guys looking for a new board game or video game. Sometimes we also enjoy thinking of how much fun it would be to have a Batman costume around the house, for, um, Halloween, but the utility belts and chest plates that come with them are always too small. Plus one rarely finds a Robin costume, and one really would need it to complete the Dynamic Duo. But I digress. Shawn and I enjoy spending a quiet evening at home with a deck of cards, a Scrabble board, or even a video game. Or, rather, we enjoy the idea of spending a quiet evening at home playing cards, Scrabble, or video games.

When it comes to games, we’re sporting, but we’re not good sports. In reality, a game of Scrabble can not only ruin an entire quiet evening at home, but an entire quiet weekend at home. We both hate losing. I am the unquestioned Scrabble champ in the house, thus Shawn hates playing Scrabble. Shawn is the undisputed board game champ, thus I hate playing board games. I am the ultimate loser at the Game of Life, and, understandably I think, it makes me irritable. Games of chance and luck are not my forte. The other night, we attempted to play poker. Shawn won the first hand with a pair of kings, and the second with a full house. There was no third hand.

Video games are a toss-up, depending on what kind they are. I’m a shooting, fighting, and melee weapon fool. Shawn can do all the accurate jumping from ledge to ledge and anything requiring timing or puzzle solving. Sometimes we can play a game by passing the controller back and forth, and it’s a beautiful thing, really, working together to achieve a common goal. But our shelves are lined with video games whose mysterious second levels remain a mystery. We no longer speak of certain levels of a video game called Ratchet and Clank, the aftermath of which required a replacement controller, a carpet shampooing, and lots of “quiet time.” The cat hid under the bed for hours, shedding nervously. I have absolutely no recollection of ripping the disc out of the PlayStation and snapping it in half, but there were witnesses, so I suppose I must have. Let us dwell no more on that unpleasantness. Mention the name of another certain video game (let’s call it “Prince of Persia,” for that’s what it’s called) and Shawn gets cranky, thinking of the hours wasted attempting to save a princess from a demonic horde. Mention that the game cost about $50.00 and watch cranky become something more akin to rage.

And so it was that Shawn and I were at Toys R’ Us, avoiding the weirdoes not shopping for wholesome family games or costumes, looking for a game we could both enjoy playing together. Shawn has an attraction to sale bins and red mark-down stickers that rivals the gravitational force keeping the planets aligned. You don’t wanna get caught between him and a 30% off sign. It may be the last time you get caught anywhere. His eyes gleam with unholy zealotry as he lashes out with his elbows and snarls fiercely to keep other shoppers at bay, even if there aren’t any. He hides things he wants to come back for later by stuffing them behind displays of other merchandise in the store. It’s madness.

But tonight, his madness paid off. We found a video game we were sure both of us would enjoy, and it had been marked down.

Spin the wheel.

Guess a letter.

Buy an “E” or an “I.”

Heck, live dangerously and buy a “U.”

Win fictitious cash and prizes.

Live happily ever after.

Wheel! Of! Fortune! It’s all in good fun, whimsical and lighthearted as the chimes that mark the beginning of each round. What will the category be? A “Thing?” A “Before and After?” The Christmas Eve-like suspense! What could be a more wholesome or inoffensive addition to game night? What could be more wholesome or inoffensive than Vanna White? It was the video game equivalent to a trip to a petting zoo. Surely no harm could befall our fragile egos and domestic tranquility from something as sappy as a glorified game of Hangman.

My first spin landed on $300. I requested an “S.”

“No,” Vanna said.

Shawn then spun the wheel sixteen times in a row and solved the first three puzzles.

“Now let’s take a look at the scores,” Vanna suggested, turning her head and smiling as she gestured awkwardly at empty space. The scene abruptly cut and our scores were displayed. Shawn had $14600. I had $0.

Beginner’s luck, nothing more. I was determined to make a comeback. Finally, I was getting the chance to spin that glittering wheel!

I landed on “Lose A Turn.”

“Aww,” Vanna said from off screen. “Bad luck.”

Thanks, Vanna.

I watched in good humor as Shawn finished the rest of the game by himself, as my score of $0 had eliminated me from the bonus round. He performed well. Then it was time for a rematch.

My fist spin landed on “Bankrupt.” My second spin landed on “Bankrupt.” My third spin landed on “Lose A Turn.” Essentially, Shawn played the game by himself, pausing long enough for me to spin a “Bankrupt” or a “Lose A Turn” occasionally. I had had better luck with a Wheel of Fortune themed slot machine in Vegas. (Although even there Shawn proved to the master of the wheel. I won $60 on that slot machine, he won $200.)

I was getting irritated.

When, on my third spin into a new game, I hit “Bankrupt” for the third time, there was a cutaway scene of Vanna, looking sympathetic and glamorous. “Oh, too bad. But I guess it could be worse,” she said, with a little shrug of her shoulders.

“Shut up, bitch,” I said.

Yes, I suppose things could always be worse. I could be a quadruple amputee with a speech impediment. But in terms relative to Wheel of Fortune, how, exactly, could things be worse? There is no “Execution by Firing Squad” or “Rectal Hemorrhage” space on the wheel. “Bankrupt,” spelled out in capital white letters on a field as black and empty as death itself, is as bad as things can possibly get in the land of the wheel. What the hell was Vanna babbling about?

Shawn continued to calmly spin the wheel, guess consonants, buy vowels, and solve the puzzles.

“Why yes,” Vanna told him. “There is an E. In fact, there are four of them!”

“Way to go! That was fantastic!”

“You’ve won quite a lot of money!”

To me, she said “No, sorry. There are no T’s”

“None in this puzzle.”

“Oh, bad luck.”

“Oh, too bad. But I guess things could be—“

“Shut up, you whore!” I screamed at her. “STOP SAYING THAT!!!”

“That’s the way it goes,” she said.

The way it goes, indeed.

It seems our quest for the ultimate game continues. It’s not a total loss, though, because Shawn enjoys playing the game by himself. Aside from the cursing, ranting, and death threats to Vanna, it’s practically the same as playing against me anyway. We’ll have to go back to Toys R’ Us this weekend. There was a nice collector’s edition of Chutes and Ladders there. Maybe we can get a first edition.

Job Fruit
"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now."
-The Smiths


I suppose I really shouldn't complain.

After all, 5.2% of Americans are out of work. Over 70% of Zimbabwe is unemployed, half of Nepal doesn't work, and Aruba's unemployemt rate has soared to 0.06%. An average of one person a year dies in Switzerland from a bee or wasp sting, "Extra Soft" in French is "Ultra Souple," and more and more Land O Lakes butter is being imported from Poland, which, indeed, is a land of many lakes. And did you know that if you donate your body to science after you die, you could find your disembodied head propped up in a tray for plastic surgeons practicing face-lifts? You?d look great but you?d still be dead and missing the rest of your body. I?m not sure how you?d smell, but I?m guessing unpleasant. Try going to a job interview looking like that! Actually, try going anywhere like that!

So, yeah, 5.2% of Americans are out of work. And until two short weeks ago, I was one of them. I?d like to say that it was a deeply troubling time for me, that I felt useless, unproductive, and utterly without direction, and that I feared for my future, and indeed, my very identity, in a profound and soul-searching kind of way. But all that would be a bucket of mottled heifer excrement. Except for a profoundly disturbing inability to buy stuff, unemployment fit me like a spangled spandex unitard.

Not being a professional curler, hand model, or dirty cop on the take, I?m used to living on what most people would call a ?limited? income. It?s rather like being in the ?special class,? financially. Since my idea of a good time is eating pizza while watching bloody disaster befall a group of randy, thirty year old ?teenagers? on an ill-fated camping trip, being poor usually doesn?t interfere with my quality of life. However, the difference between ?limited? and ?no? income was far more dramatic and terrifying than anything than anything I?d ever seen in any my favorite movies. This time, it was personal.

I knew there were unemployment offices where one could go to get money for not working, but I didn?t know specifically where these offices were (probably in some building somewhere? like that?s at all convenient), and I didn?t know if abandoning a perfectly good job (aside from that fact that it sucked hellishly) would damage my ability to project a sincere desire to work, disinclining these people from giving me pizza money. There would be forms to fill out, and I?d have to find a pen. I was certain my lack of ?babies? (crack or otherwise) was going to negatively impact the financial worthwhileness of filling out all that paperwork. And if the lines at the unemployment office were anything like the lines at the DMV, I would find myself surrounded by unattractive people in shorts with poor cell phone etiquette, which is part of what made the job I had just quit so hellish in the first place. Was there no escaping them? Why yes, actually, there was. None of those people would be in my house, and so, I chose to remain there.

I wasn?t really worried, anyway. Finding a job was sure to be a breeze. Everyone knows employers nowadays value ?experience,? and I?ve been to a funeral and gone white water rafting. Any employer that failed to impress obviously wasn?t worth working for. When sending out my resume, I carefully screened out any job descriptions that required a ?cheerful and helpful attitude,? or ?liturgical dancewear? and avoided any help wanted ads beginning with ?Are you a people person?? or ?Have a nice body? Like showing it off?? Then I made sure I satisfied the core requirements of the jobs I was interested in; U.S. Citizen? Why, yes! Dependable transportation? So far, so good. Convicted of a felony? Only if they can find the body. Bilingual? Buenos Dias, and God Bless America!

Yep, things were lookin? good. I had planted well qualified seeds in entry-level ground fertile with advancement opportunities. Soon the seeds would germinate, flower, be molested by interview bees, and bear ripe, juicy job-fruit (which I assumed resembled a mango and carried a briefcase).There was little more to do than sit back, turn on the TV, and wait for the offers to come rollin? in. I was fully prepared for the process to take a few weeks. In fact, any immediate responses to my resumes were most unwelcome. I had worked for Target, a place where shoppers open merchandise they do not intend to buy to make little beds in the carts for their children to sleep in while they shoplift Celine Dion perfume and ?Hello Kitty? thong underwear. I had witnessed the breakdown of society and had worn a red shirt with tan pants almost every day for almost a year. I needed a break. I deserved a break.

Aside from the soaps, daytime TV is made for the unemployed. Every technical college and accredited ?certificate? program in the country advertises during Judge Judy and Jerry Springer. You are sincerely urged to join the rewarding, challenging ?world? of refrigeration maintenance and repair, and when you begin to seriously contemplate doing so, you know you?ve been unemployed too long. When you begin to believe Apollo ?College? can put you ?where the action is? with their court stenographer program, you?ve been unemployed for too long. When your heart seizes in anxiety when an announcer suddenly shouts: ?Inventors! Don?t let this happen to you! Have your idea or invention patented today!? and you haven?t invented a thing, you have definitely been unemployed for too long.

If you?re too lazy to get yourself job skills, the lawyers are there to remind you that you probably have cause to sue someone, but you just don?t realize it. People just like you and me stare blankly at the camera and read from cue cards. ?I didn?t even know I had a case, but I got a huge cash settlement. And he took care of my D.U.I. My lawyer was great.? These people usually claim to have been referred to the advertised law firm by a ?lawyer friend,? who really can?t much of a lawyer if he?s giving away lucrative lawsuits. But I digress.

Sure, you could just shut the TV off, but what do you do then? You?ve already emailed all your friends and said, ?Ha Ha! It?s 2 p.m. and I just got up! How?s work???? and they?re too busy working to reply. The dogs are hot and tired, and you discover the reason they?re so hyper when you get home at night is because they sleep all day. You could do laundry, but you don?t have to have nice clothes for tomorrow, so why bother? Clean the house? Shave? Why? You?re on vacation! You could go to the mall, but you have no money. A nap could be refreshing, but you?ve only been up two hours. No calls or emails in response to any of the resumes you?ve sent, and the job listings are the same as they were an hour ago. It gets quiet, too. Too quiet. Hey! Divorce Court is on!

When your hard-earned ?vacation? tarnishes into old fashioned, garden-variety ?unemployment? it happens gradually. The episode of Roseanne where Roseanne is supposedly almost killed by a mailbox hurled through her window by a hurricane no longer amuses you with it?s bad special effects they way it used to. You get angrier and angrier at the idiots on Family Feud who insist on slapping their hands together and hooting ?Good answer! Good answer!? after someone has given ?church? as an answer to ?a place you wish people wouldn?t bring their dogs.? In what universe is that a ?good answer?? Who the hell brings their dog to church? Nobody, that?s who! Moron! The big red buzzing X just isn?t enough punishment for these people. I hope it?s a long, long drive home for these losers and their families, filled with resentful silence that grows and grows until someone finally explodes, ?You idiot! Why couldn?t you have said ?beach??? That?s the Family Feud I?d want to see. See? When you?ve got too much time on your hands, you think of things like this. And the people you live with, who work all day supporting your unemployed ass, aren?t very interested when you greet them at the door saying, ?Oh my God, this woman was SO STUPID on Family Feud today, you wouldn?t believe it!? They?re more interested in knowing why you haven?t started dinner, or cleared your breakfast dishes.

Doing nothing is extremely addictive, like gambling, cocaine addiction, or stalking David Letterman. At some point you?re going to hit rock bottom. You become so lazy you experience real irritation when you have to get up to pee, and rack your brains trying to come up with an acceptable alternative to that long, exhaustive walk to the bathroom (millions of inventors in the world, and no one?s solved this one?). You become fogged and easily disoriented, and sometimes find yourself standing in the back yard with a garden hose and wondering why you?re there and what you were going to do. Time has no meaning, nor do days of the week. Saturday is just as good as Monday. Was it ALREADY 4 p.m., or was it ONLY 4 p.m.? You do realize you?re talking out loud to yourself, right? Shut up, fool! They?ll hear you!

Then, one day, some poor, unsuspecting fool will call you to arrange an interview. By the time this happened, I had totally forgotten what was going on. How long ago had I planted that seed? You?re who and calling from where? Getting up and dressed for the interview was a welcome change of pace. Hey, shaving! I remember this! The interviewer was the only person I had spoken to other than Shawn in a week. I was more than happy to sit and chat. When I got the call offering me the job, I immediately accepted.

"Can you start Monday?" I was asked.

"Absolutely!" I said.

Only after I hung up the phone did I realize that Monday was a mere three days away. Since I was no longer unemployed, I became immediately depressed. My vacation was almost over! It had all been so sudden. Why, oh why hadn't I said I couldn't start until NEXT Monday? Heck, even that Tuedsay would have been better. Now I'd have to do laundry, and there was so much of it! Was I even capable of getting up before noon anymore? How soon could I take another vacation or even a personal day? Why had I not realized what a fleeting joy unemployment was, and enjoyed it more? Why? Why? Why? Just one more week!

Now I get up every day at a 6 a.m. I do laundry all the time. My commute is a mere 20 minutes, but I still resent it deeply. I am keenly aware of the time of day and the day of the week. I like 5:00 p.m. best and Saturdays and Sundays. I haven't seen Family Feud in ages and I miss it.


Job-fruit is bitter.

This Is Stupid
Well, my first week of my “new job” has drawn to a close. From here on out, it will be simply “my job,” or “work.” Alas, everything gets old so fast. Sunrise, sunset.

On my second day, I was asked to swap cubicles with Nick. I am now the last cubicle on the right, back near the fire exit, which isn’t alarmed and is often used as a shortcut down to the accounting office. The cubicle in front of me, closer to the offices, is empty. Why was I moved? Nick suggested it might be a good idea, because it’s closer to the supply cabinets where most of the forms I have to fill out in quadruplicate and then photocopy six times are located. I don’t believe for a second that Nick really cares about how often I have to go back to those cabinets…Nick just wanted my cubicle. After all, why didn’t he just move into the empty one next door if he was giving his up to be helpful?

I have no idea why my old cubicle was so desirable, but once I find out, I fully intend to be quite pissed at Nick. He was so happy to help me move, too, that two-faced rat bastard, but I saw through that act. There was a maniacal gleam in his eye as he pushed my file cabinets through the cubical maze back toward my new post in Siberia, recklessly snagging and ripping the carpet along the way. This was a man who, apparently, was finally having his day. He’s probably had his eye on that cubicle for years, and been plotting and planning, quietly biding his time, until the one day he could sneak into the boss’ office behind my back and helpfully suggest moving the new guy. Nick doesn’t even get a phone, for God’s sake; how important can he be?

So I found myself with a new cubicle, and a new vendetta. My new cubicle, however, is really quite nice, as far as cubicles are concerned. It’s twice as big as the old one, nice and clean, and crying out to be adorned with a disco ball. My boss was adamant that a clock be installed for me, and even climbed up onto the desk to hang one there herself. I wear a watch, my computer monitor displays the time, and so does the electric date stamp I use. But I digress.

For a guy with such a ritzy new cubicle, I spend an awful lot of time in Rhonda’s dispatch room, where I’ve been filling in, though I don’t really know what I’m doing. It’s hard to wing an emergency dispatch code. I don’t know a 101-E from a 1077-S. I do the best I can, but somewhere, field officers are racing toward the scene of a supposed barn fire with multiple casualties only to discover they’re really there to investigate a sheep the owner’s neighbor thinks ought to be sheared. One of my first calls went something like this:

Me: “Animal services.”
Caller: “Yeah, there’s this chicken walkin’ around out here in front of my house.”
Me: “A chicken?”
Caller: “Yes. A huge goddamed chicken. You should see this thing.”
Me: “I don’t think we do chickens.”
Caller: “This thing is huge. I’m not going near it.”
Me: “Is it injured or in a road?”
Caller: “No, it’s just walkin’ around the front of my house, like I just told you.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t handle chickens. We mainly deal with cattle, horses, sheep, that kind of thing. You’ll have to call your local animal shelter.”
Caller: “What’s their number?”
Me: “You know, I probably should have that around here, but I don’t.”

Good stuff. I left a note on Rhonda’s desk that read; “Rhonda, do we do chickens?” The funny thing is that the next call was also regarding a stray chicken. Arizona is a free-range state, which means that you can let your cattle or horses graze pretty much anywhere you want to. Whether or not the same holds true for chickens, I couldn’t say, but it could explain the rash of chickens running amok.

I also got a call from a woman who had found the body of a dead calf and was convinced it had been used in a satanic ritual. Her friend had told her all about it. They cut animals open and remove all the organs, she said. Then they use the organs in rituals. I listened to her going on and on about Satan, all the while wondering how I dispatched a call like this. It involved a cow, so I couldn’t pass it along to the humane society. The cow was already dead, which complicated the “emergency” aspect of our function. Hmmm. What to do, what to do? “Is the calf in a roadway?” I asked hopefully. Large animals in roads are always an emergency, living or dead. I even knew the code for that one. “No, it’s back in the woods near the railroad tracks.”

This complicated things further, as I no longer had a distinct location to dispatch anyone to. I was in over my head. This woman wanted immediate action for something the state would doubtlessly ignore. Chances are the calf had wandered off and been savaged by coyotes or wild dogs. Happens all the time, and it’s cheaper to let wild animals devour the carcass than it is to haul it away. I was about to ask the woman if there was anyway she could get the calf into a road, when I saw “1108-C---public health” scrawled onto a scrap of paper on Rhonda’s desk. So, I dispatched the call directly to the woman’s home as an 1108-C, which I hope means a public health concern, and which probably implies that mad cow disease is sweeping though this woman’s non-existent herd of cattle, but it was as good as I was going to get.

Of course, I get all the paperwork from the field officers to process, so I’m sure I’ll be reading about the calf sometime soon. I’m sure the word “unfounded” will be scrawled across the page, which is how field officers vent their annoyance at having their time wasted. I just hope I don’t find a crude drawing of myself surrounded by stink lines with the word “Stoopid” attached to an arrow pointing at my head. Rhonda is much better than me at telling people the state does not plan to help them with their concern. She actually smiles when she says it, which is odd, since the caller can’t see her. Perhaps it’s just a bureaucracy thing I’ve yet to learn to enjoy.

Another part of my job which keeps me away from my new cubicle is delivering state vehicles to state service centers for repairs, oil changes, and new tires. Once again, Rhonda and I were thrown togther so that she might teach me the subtler points of my appointment, not least of which was where to find these state vehicles I was now in charge of tracking, and where to take them. Along the way, Rhonda pointed out her favorite place to go for lunch. It was a small, perfectly square concrete buliding with no windows. And as though that weren’t ennough to make it throughly uninviting, it was also surrounded the tallest chain link fence I’ve ever seen, atop which was coiled razor wire.

“Looks like a dive,” Rhonda said. “But they have the best chicken fingers you’ll ever have. And their burgers? Mmmmm! That fence thing is new. They did that to keep out all them homeless people.” Personally, I could easily see why a homeless person would be drawn to the place, but I only nodded politely, even when we passed by it again on our way back and she pointed it out again. “See that place? They have the best chicken fingers.”

It was during this ride that Rhonda also asked me if I noticed that the tall, unattractive lot attendant we had just been speaking with was actually a man.

“No,” I had to say. “I didn’t catch on to that.”
“I always refer to him as ‘she’,” Rhonda said. “If that’s what he wants, I’ll go along with it. He’s been there forever, always dressed like that. I don’t know who he thinks she’s fooling. No one ever says anything about it though.”
“Interesting,” I said, deciding not to point out that he/she had been wearing a track suit and a t-shirt, which didn’t strike me as particularly femine. Besides, he/she had been wearing make-up.
“Hey, you know what?” Said Rhonda, throwing her hands up and off the wheel of the state owned pick-up truck. “Whatever!”

Rhonda also informed me that we are allowed to crash a state vehicle three times before we’re banned from them forever. This is a fact I found more intersting than the transvestite lot attendant. Three times? Regardless of how much damamge we cause or how many lives we take? “That’s why you’re always required to wear your safetly belt in a state vehicle,” Rhonda said.

I finished my week learning how to process deposits for fees collected by the field officers. This was an absolute nightmare. My boss, Helen, tried to teach me how to do it, but became so confused herself that she gave up and watched me try to sort it all out, all the while massaging her temples and saying, “See? This is stupid.”

We had a manual that told us what to do, but it was like reading a map with no compass. No less than five departments want copies of every deposit, complete with receipts, invoices, and “back-up” materials, and each department wants them sorted a different way. Also, some deposits have claims attatched to them, which are processed differently, but only for three out of the five departments. It’s as interesting as it sounds.

“What’s this?” I’d ask, holding up a form I had never seen.
“Let me see that,” Helen would say. “Blah blah blah, blah blah. What the fuck? What is this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Of course you don’t know. I don’t know. Nobody knows. See? It’s stupid.”
“So, what should I do with it?”
“Throw it in the trash.”
“Really?”
“Fuck no. What is this piece of shit? And of course, if it winds up in the wrong place, we’ll hear about it. If it’s stapled in the wrong order, we’ll hear about it. This is so stupid.”

It’s not exactly like the blind leading the blind, unless the blind swear a lot and have just been moved to a new cubicle. I can’t really say what it’s like at all. What I can say is that I’m enjoying it all immensely. It seems to me the art of the office job is making a big deal out of nothing, having it take forever to finish, and visiting the vending machines and checking your emails several times in between. I think I can handle it, even if it is stupid.

Moo Cow
The night before my first day of my new office job, I asked Shawn, an office manager by trade, a patience-trying barrage of questions fueled by first day jitters. I can handle anything but suspense. The trails and tribulations of office workers and cubicle dwellers were foreign to me, and forewarned, I reasoned, was forearmed.

“Will they give me a box of pens?” I asked.
“No,” Shawn said. “They’ll give you two and show you were the supply closet is.”
“What happens if I get lost and can’t find my cubicle?”
“Ask someone.”
“What if there’s no chair at my desk?”
“Ask them to get you a chair.”
“What if they refuse?”
“They won’t.”
“What if I need a pad of paper? Should I bring my own paper?”
“I don’t know.”
“What if I can’t work the copier?”
“Ask someone.”
“What if someone kicks me?”
“No one is going to kick you.”
“Will I be able to listen to music?”
“Probably.”
“What if the door’s locked and I can’t get into the building?”
“It won’t be.”
“Can I hang Christmas lights in my cubicle?”
“Depends on the office.”


Imagine my dismay the next morning as I stood out in front of my new office building at 7:45 am, smartly attired and well groomed, only to discover that the doors were locked and I couldn’t get in. Imagine my further dismay, twenty minutes later, when the front doors were finally opened and I was led to my cubicle, only to find a desk with no chair. Sure, I had a whole box of pens, but someone had been following me too closely in the hall and had just stepped on the back of my shoe; I hadn’t been kicked in strictest sense of the word, but it seemed many of my worst fears were being realized.

“Hmmm,” said my new boss. “You’re going to need a chair. Follow me.” I followed my boss into her office, where she promptly forgot about the chair and began showing me binders full of lists which I would now be in charge of compiling. She flipped though the books rapidly, and I saw names and numbers all in neat columns, printed on a rainbow of colored paper. “You don’t have to keep them in a binder,” she said. “Some people like to use folders instead.” “OK,” I said. I was waiting to hear whose names were in there and what the numbers represented, and why it was necessary to keep track of them in first place. “But don’t worry about this yet,” said my boss. “I don’t want to overwhelm you.” She put the binder back and she stood there a moment. “Hmm,” she said. She tapped her foot, looking around her office. “Hmm.”

Well, so far so good, I thought. I wasn’t overwhelmed in the least. Confused, yes, and also completely without direction, but never overwhelmed. In fact, not much later, I was sitting in my new chair in my new cubicle, waiting for the IT men to get me “into the system,” which took more than three hours. I was far, far from overwhelmed. I was bored. I poked about in my new cubicle, looking at stacks of paperwork left behind by Angie, my predecessor, and wondering how much of it I could simply dump without being blamed for losing anything. I took down a picture of a crying eagle, superimposed over the Twin Towers in flames with the words “Never Forget” written in heavy, overwrought calligraphy, flapping in a star spangled banner. I weeded broken rubber bands out of the desk drawers and arranged the paperclips by size. I adjusted the mouse pad. I adjusted my chair. I read a fact sheet on the proper care of horses. I wondered if I’d be able to get away with stepping out to smoke a cigarette, but decided not to risk it. Something could happen at any moment.

While I was sitting there, I quite clearly overheard my boss call someone a “hickey on a hemorrhoid,” and instantly regretted the nervous indecision that had plagued me in regard to wardrobe on the day of my final interview. Clearly, a meticulously matched belt and shoe ensemble was under this woman’s radar. I vowed to never again concern myself with such trivial details regarding personal presentation.

Then I went on a whirlwind tour of the building, which is quaint and charming in an old-timey way, provided you don’t look too closely at the black mold steadily making its way across many of the ceilings and darker corners (it’s hard to ignore it, however, when everyone comments on it, or else I may have been there years before I noticed it…now I’m an A-1 “mold pointer-outer”). During the tour, I was briefly introduced to many people. I remember no names except for another John (though I can’t say I remember what department he worked in, why we were introduced, or if I’d recognize him if I saw him again), a woman named Beth Mania, which amused me, and my boss, whose name continues to be Helen despite my repeatedly calling her Susan.

From there, it was onward the ID office to get a horrendous mug shot of myself laminated onto a badge I will proudly wear every day for the duration of my employment.
From there, a jaunt to the benefits office, where an older, more than slightly overweight woman with thick glasses dropped a ream of paper onto the desk in front of me and asked if I had a pen. She was missing several teeth and drifts of conspicuous dandruff had collected around the rubber band around her grey ponytail. Still, a sweet aura of stale cigarette smoke hung about her, and, suddenly quite desperate for nicotine, I leaned close to her and inhaled deeply as she pointed to a sheet on disability insurance.

“Young people like you,” she said, “never seem to want disability insurance. It’s like you think you’re invincible.” She gave me and my smug, young-person’s attitude a dirty, sideways look and I nodded and smiled. I held my pen in a way I hoped suggested she move along and let me get to work writing my social security number, birth date, and name, both printed and signed, several hundred times. I had conflict of interest waivers and oaths of loyalty to sign. I had to promise not to do drugs or sell secret agricultural secrets to whatever foreign government hadn’t quite mastered domesticating the cow. I had choices of income-dictated state tax withholdings to choose, and pensions to consider.

“Think about it,” she said. “You fall of a roof and WHAM! You break your arm. You break your leg and you’re in a cast and out of work for six months. You could get into a car wreck, or get hit by a bus. Hell,” she said, sweeping her flabby arm, which wobbled dramatically, “you could get shot walking out that front door.”

What roof, exactly, did this woman think I spent time on? And if, just if, mind you, I fell off a roof and broke only my arm, I’d think that would be a lucky thing. And which door was “that door?” Were people often shot leaving the benefits office? Why would they shoot someone who had just pledged to be loyal not only to the state and the post assigned to them, but also to all of American Democracy?

“And let me say this,” she continued, “there is never anything put in your file that you haven’t seen first. So you don’t need to keep coming up here and asking me to see your personnel file. There’s no need to be paranoid.”

Paranoid? Well, I hadn’t been, but I began to sense that quite possibly I should be. After all, I had just been threatened with physical violence. What kinds of things was she talking about? Secret psychiatric profiles? If so, what did they suggest? My God, what sick things was I being accused of? Was I being followed? Investigated? Were there blurry black and white pictures of me outside seedy motels? Were they unfavorably accessing my drinking fountain etiquette? Were they making fun of the way I dressed or styled my hair? Were they going to shoot me? This was the government, after all. They can do things like that. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming urge to ask to see my personnel file, but the timing seemed imprudent.

Shaken, but thankfully unharmed, I waived the disability insurance and returned to my cubicle. I discovered a second chair in my cubicle, occupied by Rhonda. Typically, Rhonda sits in a room by herself (aside from several life-size cutouts and posters of George Strait) wearing a headset and talking simultaneously on the telephone, field radio, and to whomever is passing by her doorway. Rhonda looks exactly like you’d picture a middle aged George Strait fan named Rhonda would look like. She’s very nice. Actually, she’s perky.

“Hey!” She said. “Ready to learn how to enter D.R.’s?”
“You bet!” I said. "What’s a D.R.?”

A D.R., you may be excited to learn, is a Departmental Report. Why calling them D.R.’s is any easier than saying “departmental reports,” especially when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t know a D.R. from an A.H.A. or an AK-47, I couldn’t tell you. Not that Rhonda and I didn’t have a chance to discuss it. The D.R.-entering program on my computer was malfunctioning. IT, eventually, came to the rescue once more, and by then I knew all about Rhonda’s kids, her adorable nephew, the extra 15 pounds she put on over the winter, her weakness for cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and chicken fingers, her adoration of the disappointing but lovable Arizona Diamondbacks, her upcoming knee surgery and the videotape of the accident that necessitated it, and her mixed feelings regarding Mexicans.

D.R.’s are actually reports on investigations of complaints undertaken by field officers. I found myself entering such information as, “Red and Brown heifer struck and killed on railway, remains hauled to landfill,” and “Dead pot bellied pig found wrapped in blanket. Case closed.” I knew I was working in the animal services division, but I didn’t think I’d be serving them by writing their obituaries. But, to be fair, there are many animals in need that are helped, though “helping” usually means impounding them, and then selling them at a state auction.

There were some 30 D.R.’s to be entered. Half of them were missing information and are still sitting on my desk. I have no idea what to do with them. Many of the others had been entered previously, and we were working with unnecessary copies. There was much stapling. Rhonda’s voice became like the beating of jungle drums. All told, I entered 2 forms. And it was only noon. Whenever I asked for more work, I was told that no one wanted me “overwhelmed.” So I spent the rest of the day surfing the net, writing emails, and watching the clock. I took a magical journey and discovered the men’s room. The phone at my cubicle rang. After I picked it up, I realized I had no idea what to say. After an extended and awkward silence, I said, “This is John,” and the caller wordlessly hung up. Sometime between 3 and 4 my boss left without telling me, and no one had any idea what I should be doing. I was given a bucket of mail to sort, but having absolutely no idea who was who or worked where, I abandoned the project and selected a new wallpaper for my PC desktop. At five o’clock, I got up and left the building. It was a confusing end to a very long day.

However, I now think I have a better understanding of my job description, which thankfully doesn’t end with DR’s. There’s also gabbing with Rhonda and going to the restroom. I’m promised that eventually I will be the busiest person I know, but that will have to be a blog for another day.

Sincerely,
The Working Boy

SLUTZ
I can remain silent no longer. At first, I was going to whine about how incredibly stupid The Witching Hour by Anne Rice was. And I still will, later. However, there is a far greater evil that has commanded my attention like a dull, throbbing cavity…Bratz! These things (dolls, books, cartoons) are so offensively stupid that merely being aware of their existence causes me extreme mental angish. I was blissfully unaware of the entire Bratz epidemic until, while working for Target, a box of them appeared and I was “challenged” (no one tells you to do something at Target…they “challenge” you to do it…thus giving you a sense of empowerment over destiny) to make a display of them. At first, I had no idea what they were. I had to ask a co-worker. “What is this?” I said. “It’s a doll,” they said. “A what?” I asked. “A doll,” they said.

If you’ve ever seen one of those adult novelty inflatable women, then you have an idea as to what the Bratz dolls look like.

There are three generations of Bratz, including Bratz Babyz, Lil’ Bratz, the Bratz themselves (apparently, middle school aged, I can find no source that says exactly how old they are supposed to be), and, of course, the Bratz Boyz. The Bratz, regardless of age or gender, are bound by a single all-consuming passion: “The passion for fashion!”

“Fashion,” in the land of the Bratz, means, “dressing up to look like a hooker.” There are some dolls with miniskirts so short they end above the doll’s panties. One outfit for the Bratz Babyz includes a studded leather belt, miniskirt, and what appear to be fishnet stockings. Do these girls look like they belong in Math Class or on a street corner?

Apparently, the "Bratz Pack" is a group of 10 ethnically diverse girls, all of whom are the same height and weight, and all with lips so huge they consume a full 30% of each girl’s face. This may explain why none of them have a nose. Two of them, “Phoebe” and “Roxxi” are twins. Yes, her name is “Roxxi,” and no, she’s not a porno actress…yet. All of the Bratz have “stylin’” nicknames that reflect their individual personalities. This is how they introduce themselves on their website, www.bratzpack.com:

“Hi, I’m Cloe and I rock! My friends call me ‘Angel’ because that’s what I am!”

Dana is called “’Sugar Shoes,’ because when I step out I do it sweet!”

Jade says, “My friends call me ‘Kool Kat,’ because I love cats! And I’m cool!”

Sasha is called “’Bunny Boo,’ because I love the hip-hop thang!”

Yasmin’s friends call her “’Pretty Princess,’ because I rule!”

Fianna, perplexingly, is called “’Fragance,’ because I’m as sweet as I smell!” (No, that’s not a typo…it’s F-r-a-g-a-n-c-e.)

Nevra, of course, is “’Queen B,’ because I’m sweet like honey and in charge!”

Meygan is the “’Funky Fashion Monkey,’ because even when I just hang, I still look good!” (Hang from what? A gallows? )

Phoebe’s twin “calls me ‘Sugar,’ because I’m as sweet as sweet can be!”

Roxxi’s twin “calls me ‘Spice,’ because I like to spice it up!”



And there you have them. Each as individual and complex as a snowflake, huh? The group seems rife with intrigue and conflict if you ask me. After all, how can Yasmin “rule” when it’s Nevra who’s “in charge?” And who’s sweeter; Fianna, Phoebe, or Nevra? Is Nevra power-hungry? How, exactly, does Phoebe “rock,” and what is Roxxi “spicing” up? And then of course, there are the Bratz Boyz, of which there are only five. Competition for these boys (sorry, Boyz) must be pretty stiff, even if they only real differences between the Bratz Boyz and the Bratz themselves are hairstyles and little plastic abdominal muscles. Just who are these Boyz and what are they like, you wonder? Well, wonder no more.



First we have Cade. Bratz call him “The Viper” because he’s “sly.”

“W’sup? My name is Cameron. The Bratz call me ‘The Blaze’ because I’m hot!”

Eitan is called “The Dragon,” because he’s a “nonstop hotshot!”

Dylan is called “The Fox” because he’s “slick.”

Koby, or “The Panther,” is “always on the prowl.”

Personally, I would have thought “The Fox” would have been “sly” and “The Viper” would have been “slick," but then I guess that would make too much sense. And, by the way, if you look anything like these Boyz, you won't be called "The Blaze" as much as you'll be called "The Flamer." Besides being "hot" and prowly, the Boyz serve to worship the Bratz, take them on "slammin'" dates, and to tell them how pretty and well-accessorized they are.

As you can well imagine, the adventures that befall this group is quite extraordinary. They go to the mall. They go shopping. They dress up. They apply make-up. They're into fashion design, modeling, and being rock stars (of course). They hang out at places like the "Bratz Formal Funk Super Stylin' Runway Disco," the "Bratz Tokyo-A-Go Go! Sushi Lounge with Karaoke Stage and Mic Stand" or the "Bratz Stylin Salon N' Spa: Smoothie Cafe."

Barbie may have been vapid and blonde, but at least she had a job at McDonald's and went camping occasionally. The Bratz spend all their time dressing up to go to the mall to buy new outfits so they can come home and dress up. Don't belive me? Just peruse these fabulous Bratz book titles with me:

All Night Mall Party

Bratz Stylin' Slumber Party

Fashion Funk

Holiday Shoppin' Spree

Bratz Strut It!

The plots are all pretty much the same, and go along the lines of:

Lil Bratz Makin It Up! (Ages 3 and up; $12.99) is much more than just a book. It is a day in the life of the Bratz prior to their going to a movie. Of course, since the Bratz are known for being stylish wherever they go, they must first get decked out and made up. The book comes with four of the same shades of lipstick that the Bratz wear in the book!

Amazon.com will let you preview the first few pages of these books, where you'll find such memorable lines as:

"I'd never draw Jade without her slammin' jewels," Cloe agreed.

She lifted the napkin with her perfectly-manicured nails.

"I've a much better pose you can use," she said as she flipped back her jet-black straight hair and flashed a huge smile. She looked just like a model on the cover of a magazine. Koby obediently snapped another picture.

Jade leaned back triumphnatly in her seat, took a long sip of her strawberry-banana smoothie, and checked out the action going on around her in the food court.

There was Cloe, her long blonde hair pulled back to reveal her big blue eyes opened wide in suprise. "It really is a good picture of you," Cam assured Cloe.

"After you, Bunny-Boo," Cloe told her hip-hop lovin' pal.

"Jade's hair is awesome. And so is her look." She pointed to Jade's funky embroidered jeans and far-out silver glitter platform boots.


Wanna retch yet? Lord knows I do. Is it any wonder children are growing up faster and dumber? In the end, of course, it's the parent's fault, because they're the ones spending their money to rot their children's brains. For shame! They should be burned like witches! IT'S ALL SO STUPID!!! ARRRGHHHHH!!

And now, I'm off to my "Scorchin' Kitchen" for a "slammin' sandwich." Have a "stylin'" day!

Enjoyable Freshness
Did you know that TicTacs now have even more ?Enjoyable Freshness?? A perky blonde in a white miniskirt with matching Go-Go boots told me so. What she didn?t tell me, though, as she struck any number of freshness-related poses in a futuristic, egg-shaped chair, is when the hell ?enjoyable freshness? became a meaningful term, much less a quantifiable unit of measurement. How, exactly, is ?enjoyable freshness? measured? Grams? Seconds? Kilometers? Is ?enjoyable freshness? an imported ingredient, or should we expect ?Enjoyable Freshness? Rendering Plants to spring up all across America? Is it extracted from plant or animal sources? Is magic involved, and if so, good magic or black magic? I don?t want to be eating (by ?eating? I mean ?enjoying?) a mint tainted with evil, now matter how fresh it is. I tried researching TicTac?s ingredients at www.tictacusa.com, but the website makes no mention of what?s in them aside from refreshment. They do, however, have pictures and videos of the perky blonde. What is the blonde hiding? Does she know the top-secret formula for ?enjoyable freshness,? or is she merely a decoy? Or does she know too much? Will her Go-Go boots be found dangling over the edge of a back alley dumpster by a homeless person about to make a grisly discovery?

And if ?enjoyable freshness? isn?t an ingredient, per se, but rather an elusive, ethereal quality possessed by the mints themselves, which impartial panel of lab technicians and electrode-wired test subjects validated the increase of enjoyment and freshness? And is TicTac's ?enjoyable freshness? only experienced while fashionably dressed and in a futuristic egg-shaped chair? If that?s the case, why do so many prostitutes carry them? I demand answers! I demand scientists with pointers dressed in white lab coats! I want diagrams, graphs, and flow charts. I want paid testimonials of average citizens saying, ?Mmmm.?

Is making the mints larger really just a ploy to bombard us with more of the same ol? run-of-the-mill freshness, but in confusing quantities? Is this another example of the Vegas Early Bird Buffet Syndrome? Sure, TicTacs may be bigger, but now you get less of them per package. If ?enjoyable freshness,? like TicTacs themselves, is sold by weight and not volume, then there is no ?more? to be found here. And since when does a product with years of shelf life even begin to concern itself with freshness? The only thing added is another ridiculously asinine marketing phrase that makes me want to hurl my television off an overpass and into the path of a TicTac truck.

Yes, in the end, it?s all about making money with an absurdly meaningless promise, but, unlike the Catholic Church, TicTacs can?t expect to get away with it for long. They?d better be working on a better ad campaign. I?d suggest something along the lines of, ?Now with 30% Louder Movie Theatre Rattling!? I haven?t had a TicTac in years, but it hasn?t been a conscious choice. Now, however, it?s bound to be years before I can walk by them in a store without making enraged sputtering noises and causing a scene. Just ask Shawn. He?ll tell you.

Enjoyable Freshness my ass.

Resume Titles
As many of you know by now, Target no longer has me in its evil, vice-like grip. I?ve escaped with my sanity! I?m free! I?m unemployed! The specifics of my departure and a general listing of work-related gripes will undoubtedly be posted in the future?but for now the horror is too fresh and I simply can?t relive it.

And so, job huntin? I will go. Fiddle dee dee hi ho. (It?s a shame you can?t see the little dance that goes along with this.) After heavily peppering my resume with eye-catching action words (POW! BAM! ZIFF!), I was off to post it on the internet, and was then ready to sit back and let the offers come rolling in. However I hit the same brick wall in every site upon which I attempted to post my resume, and that wall looked like this: RESUME TITLE REQUIRED.

Since when do resumes need titles? As far as I?m concerned, every resume already has the same implied title: I Need a Job. Monster.com suggests that I create a resume title that "creates interest and is meaningful to you." Jobing.com cautions me to keep my title "simple but expressive." I Need a Job works for me. But I Need a Job looked clumsy and backward when compared with posted examples of outstanding resume titles, such as: King of Closing: Semiconductors/Integrated Circuits, Award Winning Graphic Designer, and CPA-Turnaround Expert.

With these simple but expressive, yet meaningful and arousing titles to inspire me, I think I got the gist of the thing. My title must be dramatic, concise, and above all else, alluring! I must entice prospective employers to say, ?Hmmm?what?s this about?? A daunting challenge, but one I accepted! Thus emboldened, I went to watch a few episodes of ?Divorce Court,? ?Dr. Phil,? and ?Family Feud.? Later on, after a nap and a grilled cheese sandwich, I came up with this list of possible titles:


Pow! Bam! Ziff!

I Typed This All By Myself!

Come Closer...Closer...

Pope's Dying Wish: Let John Work

This Isn't What It Looks Like

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Free Toy Suprise Inside!

Don't Make Me Use This

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Last Interview...

SEX! Now That I Have Your Attention...

God is My Professional Reference

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Witty, Sincere, Handsome 33M Looking For New Position

I Am A Rock, I Am An Island

I Need a Job

Ducks
Last week it was all about the ducks. Last Sunday, Shawn and I took our doggies for a walk down by the little concrete canal we have here, where ducks and geese cavort and frolic and the willow trees hang down over the water. If you ignore the apartment complexes stacked along either side, it can be quite pretty, especially in the evening. At some point during our walk, Dougal had picked something up off the ground and was playing with it in his mouth. It was dark and I couldn?t see what it was, so I had him drop it and then tied him to a tree. I went back to investigate, using my lighter for light, and found a tiny duckling writhing around on the ground with its neck broken and the back of its head missing. Aside from feeling horrified and guilty, I was thinking of a way to humanely end its suffering when it died there in front of me. I walked back a few paces, and saw several other ducklings all running off into the darkness, and one lying in the dirt and not moving. The duckling was still alive, and it wasn't bleeding anywhere. But it would not move. We had no idea what to do, so we left it there and came home to try to figure it out.



Naturally, these things always happen late on Sunday nights, when all the wildlife and rescue organizations are closed. We did some research online, and it seemed that best course was to go back and see if the duckling had left or if its mother had come back for it. We went back, and it was still where we left it, and hadn?t moved at all. None of its little friends were there either, and there wasn?t a duck in sight. I felt so awful for the little guy. We put him in a shoe box and brought him home (following instructions from a wildlife rescue website) and put towels warmed in the microwave around the box, so we could drop him off at a wildlife rehabilitation center the next day. But, alas, the duckling was dead by morning. It was very sad, he was very cute.



The next day, two full grown ducks, a male and female pair, took up residence in our swimming pool. It was very funny to see them swimming around in there, and after the winter, the pool looked enough like a pond that they seemed right at home. I chased them off with a pool skimmer, but they kept coming back. I was waiting for Dougal to dive in after them, but after having fallen into the pool two and a half times before (the last time, only his hindquarters hit the water), he seemed to have had enough. After a day or two they flew away, and we haven?t seen them since. You have to wonder if they somehow knew about the duckling. Weird.