Resume Titles
As many of you know by now, Target no longer has me in its evil, vice-like grip. I?ve escaped with my sanity! I?m free! I?m unemployed! The specifics of my departure and a general listing of work-related gripes will undoubtedly be posted in the future?but for now the horror is too fresh and I simply can?t relive it.

And so, job huntin? I will go. Fiddle dee dee hi ho. (It?s a shame you can?t see the little dance that goes along with this.) After heavily peppering my resume with eye-catching action words (POW! BAM! ZIFF!), I was off to post it on the internet, and was then ready to sit back and let the offers come rolling in. However I hit the same brick wall in every site upon which I attempted to post my resume, and that wall looked like this: RESUME TITLE REQUIRED.

Since when do resumes need titles? As far as I?m concerned, every resume already has the same implied title: I Need a Job. Monster.com suggests that I create a resume title that "creates interest and is meaningful to you." Jobing.com cautions me to keep my title "simple but expressive." I Need a Job works for me. But I Need a Job looked clumsy and backward when compared with posted examples of outstanding resume titles, such as: King of Closing: Semiconductors/Integrated Circuits, Award Winning Graphic Designer, and CPA-Turnaround Expert.

With these simple but expressive, yet meaningful and arousing titles to inspire me, I think I got the gist of the thing. My title must be dramatic, concise, and above all else, alluring! I must entice prospective employers to say, ?Hmmm?what?s this about?? A daunting challenge, but one I accepted! Thus emboldened, I went to watch a few episodes of ?Divorce Court,? ?Dr. Phil,? and ?Family Feud.? Later on, after a nap and a grilled cheese sandwich, I came up with this list of possible titles:


Pow! Bam! Ziff!

I Typed This All By Myself!

Come Closer...Closer...

Pope's Dying Wish: Let John Work

This Isn't What It Looks Like

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Free Toy Suprise Inside!

Don't Make Me Use This

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Last Interview...

SEX! Now That I Have Your Attention...

God is My Professional Reference

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Witty, Sincere, Handsome 33M Looking For New Position

I Am A Rock, I Am An Island

I Need a Job