Moo Cow
The night before my first day of my new office job, I asked Shawn, an office manager by trade, a patience-trying barrage of questions fueled by first day jitters. I can handle anything but suspense. The trails and tribulations of office workers and cubicle dwellers were foreign to me, and forewarned, I reasoned, was forearmed.

“Will they give me a box of pens?” I asked.
“No,” Shawn said. “They’ll give you two and show you were the supply closet is.”
“What happens if I get lost and can’t find my cubicle?”
“Ask someone.”
“What if there’s no chair at my desk?”
“Ask them to get you a chair.”
“What if they refuse?”
“They won’t.”
“What if I need a pad of paper? Should I bring my own paper?”
“I don’t know.”
“What if I can’t work the copier?”
“Ask someone.”
“What if someone kicks me?”
“No one is going to kick you.”
“Will I be able to listen to music?”
“Probably.”
“What if the door’s locked and I can’t get into the building?”
“It won’t be.”
“Can I hang Christmas lights in my cubicle?”
“Depends on the office.”


Imagine my dismay the next morning as I stood out in front of my new office building at 7:45 am, smartly attired and well groomed, only to discover that the doors were locked and I couldn’t get in. Imagine my further dismay, twenty minutes later, when the front doors were finally opened and I was led to my cubicle, only to find a desk with no chair. Sure, I had a whole box of pens, but someone had been following me too closely in the hall and had just stepped on the back of my shoe; I hadn’t been kicked in strictest sense of the word, but it seemed many of my worst fears were being realized.

“Hmmm,” said my new boss. “You’re going to need a chair. Follow me.” I followed my boss into her office, where she promptly forgot about the chair and began showing me binders full of lists which I would now be in charge of compiling. She flipped though the books rapidly, and I saw names and numbers all in neat columns, printed on a rainbow of colored paper. “You don’t have to keep them in a binder,” she said. “Some people like to use folders instead.” “OK,” I said. I was waiting to hear whose names were in there and what the numbers represented, and why it was necessary to keep track of them in first place. “But don’t worry about this yet,” said my boss. “I don’t want to overwhelm you.” She put the binder back and she stood there a moment. “Hmm,” she said. She tapped her foot, looking around her office. “Hmm.”

Well, so far so good, I thought. I wasn’t overwhelmed in the least. Confused, yes, and also completely without direction, but never overwhelmed. In fact, not much later, I was sitting in my new chair in my new cubicle, waiting for the IT men to get me “into the system,” which took more than three hours. I was far, far from overwhelmed. I was bored. I poked about in my new cubicle, looking at stacks of paperwork left behind by Angie, my predecessor, and wondering how much of it I could simply dump without being blamed for losing anything. I took down a picture of a crying eagle, superimposed over the Twin Towers in flames with the words “Never Forget” written in heavy, overwrought calligraphy, flapping in a star spangled banner. I weeded broken rubber bands out of the desk drawers and arranged the paperclips by size. I adjusted the mouse pad. I adjusted my chair. I read a fact sheet on the proper care of horses. I wondered if I’d be able to get away with stepping out to smoke a cigarette, but decided not to risk it. Something could happen at any moment.

While I was sitting there, I quite clearly overheard my boss call someone a “hickey on a hemorrhoid,” and instantly regretted the nervous indecision that had plagued me in regard to wardrobe on the day of my final interview. Clearly, a meticulously matched belt and shoe ensemble was under this woman’s radar. I vowed to never again concern myself with such trivial details regarding personal presentation.

Then I went on a whirlwind tour of the building, which is quaint and charming in an old-timey way, provided you don’t look too closely at the black mold steadily making its way across many of the ceilings and darker corners (it’s hard to ignore it, however, when everyone comments on it, or else I may have been there years before I noticed it…now I’m an A-1 “mold pointer-outer”). During the tour, I was briefly introduced to many people. I remember no names except for another John (though I can’t say I remember what department he worked in, why we were introduced, or if I’d recognize him if I saw him again), a woman named Beth Mania, which amused me, and my boss, whose name continues to be Helen despite my repeatedly calling her Susan.

From there, it was onward the ID office to get a horrendous mug shot of myself laminated onto a badge I will proudly wear every day for the duration of my employment.
From there, a jaunt to the benefits office, where an older, more than slightly overweight woman with thick glasses dropped a ream of paper onto the desk in front of me and asked if I had a pen. She was missing several teeth and drifts of conspicuous dandruff had collected around the rubber band around her grey ponytail. Still, a sweet aura of stale cigarette smoke hung about her, and, suddenly quite desperate for nicotine, I leaned close to her and inhaled deeply as she pointed to a sheet on disability insurance.

“Young people like you,” she said, “never seem to want disability insurance. It’s like you think you’re invincible.” She gave me and my smug, young-person’s attitude a dirty, sideways look and I nodded and smiled. I held my pen in a way I hoped suggested she move along and let me get to work writing my social security number, birth date, and name, both printed and signed, several hundred times. I had conflict of interest waivers and oaths of loyalty to sign. I had to promise not to do drugs or sell secret agricultural secrets to whatever foreign government hadn’t quite mastered domesticating the cow. I had choices of income-dictated state tax withholdings to choose, and pensions to consider.

“Think about it,” she said. “You fall of a roof and WHAM! You break your arm. You break your leg and you’re in a cast and out of work for six months. You could get into a car wreck, or get hit by a bus. Hell,” she said, sweeping her flabby arm, which wobbled dramatically, “you could get shot walking out that front door.”

What roof, exactly, did this woman think I spent time on? And if, just if, mind you, I fell off a roof and broke only my arm, I’d think that would be a lucky thing. And which door was “that door?” Were people often shot leaving the benefits office? Why would they shoot someone who had just pledged to be loyal not only to the state and the post assigned to them, but also to all of American Democracy?

“And let me say this,” she continued, “there is never anything put in your file that you haven’t seen first. So you don’t need to keep coming up here and asking me to see your personnel file. There’s no need to be paranoid.”

Paranoid? Well, I hadn’t been, but I began to sense that quite possibly I should be. After all, I had just been threatened with physical violence. What kinds of things was she talking about? Secret psychiatric profiles? If so, what did they suggest? My God, what sick things was I being accused of? Was I being followed? Investigated? Were there blurry black and white pictures of me outside seedy motels? Were they unfavorably accessing my drinking fountain etiquette? Were they making fun of the way I dressed or styled my hair? Were they going to shoot me? This was the government, after all. They can do things like that. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming urge to ask to see my personnel file, but the timing seemed imprudent.

Shaken, but thankfully unharmed, I waived the disability insurance and returned to my cubicle. I discovered a second chair in my cubicle, occupied by Rhonda. Typically, Rhonda sits in a room by herself (aside from several life-size cutouts and posters of George Strait) wearing a headset and talking simultaneously on the telephone, field radio, and to whomever is passing by her doorway. Rhonda looks exactly like you’d picture a middle aged George Strait fan named Rhonda would look like. She’s very nice. Actually, she’s perky.

“Hey!” She said. “Ready to learn how to enter D.R.’s?”
“You bet!” I said. "What’s a D.R.?”

A D.R., you may be excited to learn, is a Departmental Report. Why calling them D.R.’s is any easier than saying “departmental reports,” especially when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t know a D.R. from an A.H.A. or an AK-47, I couldn’t tell you. Not that Rhonda and I didn’t have a chance to discuss it. The D.R.-entering program on my computer was malfunctioning. IT, eventually, came to the rescue once more, and by then I knew all about Rhonda’s kids, her adorable nephew, the extra 15 pounds she put on over the winter, her weakness for cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and chicken fingers, her adoration of the disappointing but lovable Arizona Diamondbacks, her upcoming knee surgery and the videotape of the accident that necessitated it, and her mixed feelings regarding Mexicans.

D.R.’s are actually reports on investigations of complaints undertaken by field officers. I found myself entering such information as, “Red and Brown heifer struck and killed on railway, remains hauled to landfill,” and “Dead pot bellied pig found wrapped in blanket. Case closed.” I knew I was working in the animal services division, but I didn’t think I’d be serving them by writing their obituaries. But, to be fair, there are many animals in need that are helped, though “helping” usually means impounding them, and then selling them at a state auction.

There were some 30 D.R.’s to be entered. Half of them were missing information and are still sitting on my desk. I have no idea what to do with them. Many of the others had been entered previously, and we were working with unnecessary copies. There was much stapling. Rhonda’s voice became like the beating of jungle drums. All told, I entered 2 forms. And it was only noon. Whenever I asked for more work, I was told that no one wanted me “overwhelmed.” So I spent the rest of the day surfing the net, writing emails, and watching the clock. I took a magical journey and discovered the men’s room. The phone at my cubicle rang. After I picked it up, I realized I had no idea what to say. After an extended and awkward silence, I said, “This is John,” and the caller wordlessly hung up. Sometime between 3 and 4 my boss left without telling me, and no one had any idea what I should be doing. I was given a bucket of mail to sort, but having absolutely no idea who was who or worked where, I abandoned the project and selected a new wallpaper for my PC desktop. At five o’clock, I got up and left the building. It was a confusing end to a very long day.

However, I now think I have a better understanding of my job description, which thankfully doesn’t end with DR’s. There’s also gabbing with Rhonda and going to the restroom. I’m promised that eventually I will be the busiest person I know, but that will have to be a blog for another day.

Sincerely,
The Working Boy

SLUTZ
I can remain silent no longer. At first, I was going to whine about how incredibly stupid The Witching Hour by Anne Rice was. And I still will, later. However, there is a far greater evil that has commanded my attention like a dull, throbbing cavity…Bratz! These things (dolls, books, cartoons) are so offensively stupid that merely being aware of their existence causes me extreme mental angish. I was blissfully unaware of the entire Bratz epidemic until, while working for Target, a box of them appeared and I was “challenged” (no one tells you to do something at Target…they “challenge” you to do it…thus giving you a sense of empowerment over destiny) to make a display of them. At first, I had no idea what they were. I had to ask a co-worker. “What is this?” I said. “It’s a doll,” they said. “A what?” I asked. “A doll,” they said.

If you’ve ever seen one of those adult novelty inflatable women, then you have an idea as to what the Bratz dolls look like.

There are three generations of Bratz, including Bratz Babyz, Lil’ Bratz, the Bratz themselves (apparently, middle school aged, I can find no source that says exactly how old they are supposed to be), and, of course, the Bratz Boyz. The Bratz, regardless of age or gender, are bound by a single all-consuming passion: “The passion for fashion!”

“Fashion,” in the land of the Bratz, means, “dressing up to look like a hooker.” There are some dolls with miniskirts so short they end above the doll’s panties. One outfit for the Bratz Babyz includes a studded leather belt, miniskirt, and what appear to be fishnet stockings. Do these girls look like they belong in Math Class or on a street corner?

Apparently, the "Bratz Pack" is a group of 10 ethnically diverse girls, all of whom are the same height and weight, and all with lips so huge they consume a full 30% of each girl’s face. This may explain why none of them have a nose. Two of them, “Phoebe” and “Roxxi” are twins. Yes, her name is “Roxxi,” and no, she’s not a porno actress…yet. All of the Bratz have “stylin’” nicknames that reflect their individual personalities. This is how they introduce themselves on their website, www.bratzpack.com:

“Hi, I’m Cloe and I rock! My friends call me ‘Angel’ because that’s what I am!”

Dana is called “’Sugar Shoes,’ because when I step out I do it sweet!”

Jade says, “My friends call me ‘Kool Kat,’ because I love cats! And I’m cool!”

Sasha is called “’Bunny Boo,’ because I love the hip-hop thang!”

Yasmin’s friends call her “’Pretty Princess,’ because I rule!”

Fianna, perplexingly, is called “’Fragance,’ because I’m as sweet as I smell!” (No, that’s not a typo…it’s F-r-a-g-a-n-c-e.)

Nevra, of course, is “’Queen B,’ because I’m sweet like honey and in charge!”

Meygan is the “’Funky Fashion Monkey,’ because even when I just hang, I still look good!” (Hang from what? A gallows? )

Phoebe’s twin “calls me ‘Sugar,’ because I’m as sweet as sweet can be!”

Roxxi’s twin “calls me ‘Spice,’ because I like to spice it up!”



And there you have them. Each as individual and complex as a snowflake, huh? The group seems rife with intrigue and conflict if you ask me. After all, how can Yasmin “rule” when it’s Nevra who’s “in charge?” And who’s sweeter; Fianna, Phoebe, or Nevra? Is Nevra power-hungry? How, exactly, does Phoebe “rock,” and what is Roxxi “spicing” up? And then of course, there are the Bratz Boyz, of which there are only five. Competition for these boys (sorry, Boyz) must be pretty stiff, even if they only real differences between the Bratz Boyz and the Bratz themselves are hairstyles and little plastic abdominal muscles. Just who are these Boyz and what are they like, you wonder? Well, wonder no more.



First we have Cade. Bratz call him “The Viper” because he’s “sly.”

“W’sup? My name is Cameron. The Bratz call me ‘The Blaze’ because I’m hot!”

Eitan is called “The Dragon,” because he’s a “nonstop hotshot!”

Dylan is called “The Fox” because he’s “slick.”

Koby, or “The Panther,” is “always on the prowl.”

Personally, I would have thought “The Fox” would have been “sly” and “The Viper” would have been “slick," but then I guess that would make too much sense. And, by the way, if you look anything like these Boyz, you won't be called "The Blaze" as much as you'll be called "The Flamer." Besides being "hot" and prowly, the Boyz serve to worship the Bratz, take them on "slammin'" dates, and to tell them how pretty and well-accessorized they are.

As you can well imagine, the adventures that befall this group is quite extraordinary. They go to the mall. They go shopping. They dress up. They apply make-up. They're into fashion design, modeling, and being rock stars (of course). They hang out at places like the "Bratz Formal Funk Super Stylin' Runway Disco," the "Bratz Tokyo-A-Go Go! Sushi Lounge with Karaoke Stage and Mic Stand" or the "Bratz Stylin Salon N' Spa: Smoothie Cafe."

Barbie may have been vapid and blonde, but at least she had a job at McDonald's and went camping occasionally. The Bratz spend all their time dressing up to go to the mall to buy new outfits so they can come home and dress up. Don't belive me? Just peruse these fabulous Bratz book titles with me:

All Night Mall Party

Bratz Stylin' Slumber Party

Fashion Funk

Holiday Shoppin' Spree

Bratz Strut It!

The plots are all pretty much the same, and go along the lines of:

Lil Bratz Makin It Up! (Ages 3 and up; $12.99) is much more than just a book. It is a day in the life of the Bratz prior to their going to a movie. Of course, since the Bratz are known for being stylish wherever they go, they must first get decked out and made up. The book comes with four of the same shades of lipstick that the Bratz wear in the book!

Amazon.com will let you preview the first few pages of these books, where you'll find such memorable lines as:

"I'd never draw Jade without her slammin' jewels," Cloe agreed.

She lifted the napkin with her perfectly-manicured nails.

"I've a much better pose you can use," she said as she flipped back her jet-black straight hair and flashed a huge smile. She looked just like a model on the cover of a magazine. Koby obediently snapped another picture.

Jade leaned back triumphnatly in her seat, took a long sip of her strawberry-banana smoothie, and checked out the action going on around her in the food court.

There was Cloe, her long blonde hair pulled back to reveal her big blue eyes opened wide in suprise. "It really is a good picture of you," Cam assured Cloe.

"After you, Bunny-Boo," Cloe told her hip-hop lovin' pal.

"Jade's hair is awesome. And so is her look." She pointed to Jade's funky embroidered jeans and far-out silver glitter platform boots.


Wanna retch yet? Lord knows I do. Is it any wonder children are growing up faster and dumber? In the end, of course, it's the parent's fault, because they're the ones spending their money to rot their children's brains. For shame! They should be burned like witches! IT'S ALL SO STUPID!!! ARRRGHHHHH!!

And now, I'm off to my "Scorchin' Kitchen" for a "slammin' sandwich." Have a "stylin'" day!

Enjoyable Freshness
Did you know that TicTacs now have even more ?Enjoyable Freshness?? A perky blonde in a white miniskirt with matching Go-Go boots told me so. What she didn?t tell me, though, as she struck any number of freshness-related poses in a futuristic, egg-shaped chair, is when the hell ?enjoyable freshness? became a meaningful term, much less a quantifiable unit of measurement. How, exactly, is ?enjoyable freshness? measured? Grams? Seconds? Kilometers? Is ?enjoyable freshness? an imported ingredient, or should we expect ?Enjoyable Freshness? Rendering Plants to spring up all across America? Is it extracted from plant or animal sources? Is magic involved, and if so, good magic or black magic? I don?t want to be eating (by ?eating? I mean ?enjoying?) a mint tainted with evil, now matter how fresh it is. I tried researching TicTac?s ingredients at www.tictacusa.com, but the website makes no mention of what?s in them aside from refreshment. They do, however, have pictures and videos of the perky blonde. What is the blonde hiding? Does she know the top-secret formula for ?enjoyable freshness,? or is she merely a decoy? Or does she know too much? Will her Go-Go boots be found dangling over the edge of a back alley dumpster by a homeless person about to make a grisly discovery?

And if ?enjoyable freshness? isn?t an ingredient, per se, but rather an elusive, ethereal quality possessed by the mints themselves, which impartial panel of lab technicians and electrode-wired test subjects validated the increase of enjoyment and freshness? And is TicTac's ?enjoyable freshness? only experienced while fashionably dressed and in a futuristic egg-shaped chair? If that?s the case, why do so many prostitutes carry them? I demand answers! I demand scientists with pointers dressed in white lab coats! I want diagrams, graphs, and flow charts. I want paid testimonials of average citizens saying, ?Mmmm.?

Is making the mints larger really just a ploy to bombard us with more of the same ol? run-of-the-mill freshness, but in confusing quantities? Is this another example of the Vegas Early Bird Buffet Syndrome? Sure, TicTacs may be bigger, but now you get less of them per package. If ?enjoyable freshness,? like TicTacs themselves, is sold by weight and not volume, then there is no ?more? to be found here. And since when does a product with years of shelf life even begin to concern itself with freshness? The only thing added is another ridiculously asinine marketing phrase that makes me want to hurl my television off an overpass and into the path of a TicTac truck.

Yes, in the end, it?s all about making money with an absurdly meaningless promise, but, unlike the Catholic Church, TicTacs can?t expect to get away with it for long. They?d better be working on a better ad campaign. I?d suggest something along the lines of, ?Now with 30% Louder Movie Theatre Rattling!? I haven?t had a TicTac in years, but it hasn?t been a conscious choice. Now, however, it?s bound to be years before I can walk by them in a store without making enraged sputtering noises and causing a scene. Just ask Shawn. He?ll tell you.

Enjoyable Freshness my ass.

Resume Titles
As many of you know by now, Target no longer has me in its evil, vice-like grip. I?ve escaped with my sanity! I?m free! I?m unemployed! The specifics of my departure and a general listing of work-related gripes will undoubtedly be posted in the future?but for now the horror is too fresh and I simply can?t relive it.

And so, job huntin? I will go. Fiddle dee dee hi ho. (It?s a shame you can?t see the little dance that goes along with this.) After heavily peppering my resume with eye-catching action words (POW! BAM! ZIFF!), I was off to post it on the internet, and was then ready to sit back and let the offers come rolling in. However I hit the same brick wall in every site upon which I attempted to post my resume, and that wall looked like this: RESUME TITLE REQUIRED.

Since when do resumes need titles? As far as I?m concerned, every resume already has the same implied title: I Need a Job. Monster.com suggests that I create a resume title that "creates interest and is meaningful to you." Jobing.com cautions me to keep my title "simple but expressive." I Need a Job works for me. But I Need a Job looked clumsy and backward when compared with posted examples of outstanding resume titles, such as: King of Closing: Semiconductors/Integrated Circuits, Award Winning Graphic Designer, and CPA-Turnaround Expert.

With these simple but expressive, yet meaningful and arousing titles to inspire me, I think I got the gist of the thing. My title must be dramatic, concise, and above all else, alluring! I must entice prospective employers to say, ?Hmmm?what?s this about?? A daunting challenge, but one I accepted! Thus emboldened, I went to watch a few episodes of ?Divorce Court,? ?Dr. Phil,? and ?Family Feud.? Later on, after a nap and a grilled cheese sandwich, I came up with this list of possible titles:


Pow! Bam! Ziff!

I Typed This All By Myself!

Come Closer...Closer...

Pope's Dying Wish: Let John Work

This Isn't What It Looks Like

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Free Toy Suprise Inside!

Don't Make Me Use This

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Last Interview...

SEX! Now That I Have Your Attention...

God is My Professional Reference

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Witty, Sincere, Handsome 33M Looking For New Position

I Am A Rock, I Am An Island

I Need a Job

Ducks
Last week it was all about the ducks. Last Sunday, Shawn and I took our doggies for a walk down by the little concrete canal we have here, where ducks and geese cavort and frolic and the willow trees hang down over the water. If you ignore the apartment complexes stacked along either side, it can be quite pretty, especially in the evening. At some point during our walk, Dougal had picked something up off the ground and was playing with it in his mouth. It was dark and I couldn?t see what it was, so I had him drop it and then tied him to a tree. I went back to investigate, using my lighter for light, and found a tiny duckling writhing around on the ground with its neck broken and the back of its head missing. Aside from feeling horrified and guilty, I was thinking of a way to humanely end its suffering when it died there in front of me. I walked back a few paces, and saw several other ducklings all running off into the darkness, and one lying in the dirt and not moving. The duckling was still alive, and it wasn't bleeding anywhere. But it would not move. We had no idea what to do, so we left it there and came home to try to figure it out.



Naturally, these things always happen late on Sunday nights, when all the wildlife and rescue organizations are closed. We did some research online, and it seemed that best course was to go back and see if the duckling had left or if its mother had come back for it. We went back, and it was still where we left it, and hadn?t moved at all. None of its little friends were there either, and there wasn?t a duck in sight. I felt so awful for the little guy. We put him in a shoe box and brought him home (following instructions from a wildlife rescue website) and put towels warmed in the microwave around the box, so we could drop him off at a wildlife rehabilitation center the next day. But, alas, the duckling was dead by morning. It was very sad, he was very cute.



The next day, two full grown ducks, a male and female pair, took up residence in our swimming pool. It was very funny to see them swimming around in there, and after the winter, the pool looked enough like a pond that they seemed right at home. I chased them off with a pool skimmer, but they kept coming back. I was waiting for Dougal to dive in after them, but after having fallen into the pool two and a half times before (the last time, only his hindquarters hit the water), he seemed to have had enough. After a day or two they flew away, and we haven?t seen them since. You have to wonder if they somehow knew about the duckling. Weird.