The New Year is coming at me faster than a sack of potatoes dropped from considerable height...say, from the top of the Stratosphere Casino, or off the Golden Gate Bridge. Actually, the chances of me being under the Golden Gate Bridge when a person or persons unknown decided to fling a sack of potatoes off of it are pretty slim, especially since I'd have to be in a boat. I am seldom found boating nowadays, and I've never been to San Francisco. (Did you know that Arizona has more boats per capita than any other state in the union? It's true!) I've been to the Stratosphere Casino in Las Vegas, but the only thing that fell on my head there was rain. Actually, the whole "being struck from above by a sack of potatoes dropped from considerable height" scenario isn't very likely, which makes it a terrible metaphor for inevitability. I guess I'm just not on top of my game today, which isn't surprising, considering my mood.

I've discovered last year's list of New Year's resolutions. There are quite a few resolutions I haven't kept, each one a broken promise to myself and a personal failure. Some of them, like "Give more to charity" and "Eat healthier and exercise more," aren't significant blows to my ego. Everyone writes these down, but few of us really mean it. I know I sure didn't. I just felt like no list of resolutions would be complete without them. In fact, according to a recent survey, those are two of the top 10 most popular resolutions. Other top resolutions include quitting some unhealthy habit or another (smoking, drinking, voting Republican), getting organized, getting out of debt, getting educated, and the ubiquitous "enjoy life more." Whether someone who's just given up smoking and gone on a diet is going to enjoy life more while organizing the garage to make room for exercise equipment is doubtful to me, but perhaps that's just the negative attitude that's kept me from keeping so many of my resolutions.

What resolutions did I make? Which resolutions did I keep? Which fell by the wayside? I'm so relieved you asked. Frankly, if you hadn't, this blog would have ended awkwardly, and I'd have yet another personal failure on my hands.

The following is a list of resolutions I made late in 2004:


Be crowned King of somewhere or something.

Consider thinking about possibly maybe deciding to quit smoking sometime in the future.

Give up false modesty. I'm lousy at it anyway.

Stop snapping "Don't you tell me what to do! You ain't the boss of me!" every time my boss asks me to do something.

Respond to that jury summons.

Appear on cover of The National Enquirer, along with headline including the word "romp."

Sue The National Enquirer.

Give more to charity.

Eat healthier and exercise more.

Dust ceiling fans.

Buy Microsoft and change name to "Crazy Eddie's."

Stop flinging sacks of potatoes off tall buildings and bridges.

Remove "Kill Whitey" bumper sticker from van.

Stop ending blogs awkwardly.


Excepting the bumper sticker resolution, this list was simply carried forward from 2003, and most of those were carried over from 2002. I've been working with the same core list since I was 27. Perhaps my resolution this year should be to come up with new resolutions. Or, I can just add it to the list.

I'm not going to sweat it too much, though. After all, when all is said and done, cantaloupes and bananas.