Fear My Certificate
What would you do if terrorists attacked your community right now? And I mean right now-Look out! There’s one behind you! Whew! There’s isn’t one really-at least I hope not-but were you prepared? If your town or city came under terrorist attack, what would you really do? If you’re anything like me, you’d stand in your living room listening to the news and watching the ceiling, waiting to see whether or not it caves in. Recently, however, as I was sitting in a hotel banquet room watching a PowerPoint slideshow presented by FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, I learned that this response was incorrect. As a newly “certified” NIMS (National Incident Management System) “participant,” it is now my duty to play an integral role in managing national incidents...although what role I play and what kinds of incidents I might help manage is still unclear to me. The details were a little vague, even with the presenter’s frequent use of a laser pointer, but let me assure you that this in no way detracts from my preparedness. So, if you’re a terrorist planning some kind of nefarious incident, I warn you that you’ll have me and my certificate to reckon with. I’d advise you to take your incident and git.

True, my certificate grants me no real authority, status, or compensation of any kind. I wasn’t issued a gun, a badge, a uniform, or even a cheap plastic keychain stamped with the NIMS logo. I’ve discovered that Pizza Hut does not offer a NIMS certificate-holder discount, nor, it seems, does anyone else. You may have heard rumors that the only reason I participated in the first place is because my job in a government agency mandated it. But did you know that lunch wasn’t served? I provided my own. Now, would someone not committed to combating terrorism, in whatever form it may take, and no matter how high the personal risk, complain only twice about not being served lunch? I think not. For you see, even though I may have been required to participate, it only reinforces one of life’s great truths; you do not choose Greatness, Greatness chooses you.

I was once like you, without a care or a NIMS certificate, merrily going about my life buying pickles and singing along with Cher on the radio. Now, my life and my priorities are forever changed. If I could turn back time to the day before the day of that fateful presentation, I’d have just one more day where I wouldn’t have to spend every waking moment keeping myself mentally attuned to checklist of incident management objectives:
• Save lives and protect the health and safety of the public, responders, and recovery workers;
• Ensure security of the homeland;
• Prevent an imminent incident, including acts of terrorism, from occurring;
• Protect and restore critical infrastructure and key resources;
• Conduct law enforcement investigations to resolve the incident, apprehend the perpetrators, and collect and preserve evidence for prosecution and/or attribution;
• Protect property and mitigate damages and impacts to individuals, communities, and the environment; and
• Facilitate recovery of individuals, families, businesses, governments, and the environment.

It is an awesome responsibility, I assure you; a difficult task made more difficult still when the general public is unaware not only of the awesome responsibility of NIMS certificateship, but the authority it implies as well. They resist spot-checking and claim not to know the meaning of “incendiary device.” They also imply that certificateship is not a word. Mall security was most unhelpful, which is ironic, since NIMS is all about interagency cooperation. I demanded that they show me their certificates, but all they wanted to talk about was how illegal it is to stand in a crowded food court and yell, “Terrorists!” while pointing frantically at an Orange Julius cart. Sure, they’ll cooperate with the police, but not with me. Stupid mall security hacks; doesn’t anyone know a “preparedness drill” when they see one? Was my clipboard not an obvious sign of my official capacity?

Much later, I was informed that I am not, as I had previously claimed, “Above the law.” It seems that NIMS is really little more than a set of federally approved guidelines, whose real priority is establishing just who is in charge during times of crisis, especially when incidents span multiple jurisdictions. It federally mandates that everyone play nicely and share their toys, like fire trucks and ambulances. It also strives to standardize the meaning of “fire truck,” for one man’s pumper is another man’s hook and ladder. It’s bureaucratic. My certificate, it seems, states only that I am aware that such an infrastructure exists, and does not grant me special permission to use extreme measures to educate the public. Nor, it seems, are the finer points of NIMS “classified” in any way. What fun is that?

It’s too late to complain, though, because I’m already committed and certified. One doesn’t just de-certify themselves because they don’t like the rules and has no idea what they’re certified in. No, that would be quitting. Besides, I’ve had the certificate triple laminated and mounted in a special wallet. There is no law that says I’m not allowed to stop people coming out of convenience stores, flip the wallet open and say, “Excuse me, ma’am, NIMS certified here.” I’m just not allowed to do anything after that, which leads to awkwardness, sure, but it’s also getting NIMS out there, literally in people’s faces. I feel it’s helpful. I like to do my part.