Q: My bull fell into a ditch, broke its neck, and died. Am I allowed to douse it with kerosene and set it on fire?
A: First, once livestock dies, it becomes something known as “deadstock.” Seriously. We cannot concern ourselves with deadstock, as spending taxpayer money attempting to preserve the life of something dead is bound to excite some leftist consumer watchdog group into an embarrassingly disorganized political protest. No one wants to see a bunch of stoned hippie tree huggers picketing the wrong building with ungrammatical slogans scrawled on cardboard scraps. It is simply too embarrassing for all involved. Second, you are a freak.
Q: Squirrels are chewing through the PVC plumbing pipes under my mobile home. I’m an old woman on a fixed income, and I can’t afford an exterminator. Can you help me?
A: Last I checked, squirrels were not livestock. One rarely sees a herd of branded squirrels being led out to pasture, and if you do, you’d better have your camera with you. They also make poor rodeo attractions. Is it our fault you didn’t set money aside in an interest bearing squirrel extermination account when you had the chance? I think not. Only now, when it is too late, do you see the folly of having stuffed your every available dollar down the front of an oily forty year old graduate student’s g-string while lewdly screaming “Shake it baby!” On the plus side, Ms Fixed Income Granny, squirrels are edible and, in your case, plentiful. Bon appetite!
Q: My neighbor has a grapefruit tree, and grapefruits are falling off of it. Is that normal?
A: What?
Q: I recently bought a $650,000 house in an exclusive new subdivision. There’s a farm next door, and the smell of manure is so bad I can’t open my windows and no one will come to my fancy cookouts. Can you make them clean it up?
A: Nope. Ha ha!!
Q: I saw a cow standing all by itself in a field. Can I take it?
A: No, that’s called stealing. Thirty years ago you would have been branded a cattle rustler and hung from the nearest tree for even thinking about it, and, in some places, you still would be. By your logic, a car left by itself in a parking lot would be up for grabs, which makes you nothing more than a common thief. Also, calling a law enforcement agency and telling them you’re thinking of stealing something makes you a stupid thief.
Q: A flock of pigeons has taken up residence on my roof and covered it in droppings. I demand that you send someone to clean my roof and get rid of these birds!
A: Oh yeah? I demand that stick your head even further up your ass and drop dead. Call back again and I’ll have you arrested.
Q: My perverted neighbor blindfolds his horse every day. It makes me sick and I can’t get anyone to do anything about it.
A: That’s because the “blindfold” is, in reality, a fly mask. The horse can see through it and it keeps bugs out of his eyes. I’d find truly blindfolding a horse confusing and cruel, but not necessarily perverse. If you ask me, the real pervert is you for making sick assumptions. Get your mind out of the water trough!
Q: I saw some horses and cow standing out in the sun, and I felt soooooo bad for them because it’s soooooo hot out. Aren’t they supposed to have a shady place to stand?
A: Oh, sure. You betcha. There’s about 50,000 square miles of open range in this state, and we’re working hard to make sure all of it is shaded by the year 3015. Air conditioning may take some time longer. We’re also going legislate that all horses have pretty bows in their manes and be named Flicka. Cows will be treated to twice weekly masseurs and live, round the clock showings of Oklahoma! You are an idiot.
Q: I love animals! I want to volunteer to help rescue horses!
A: That’s nice, but no thanks. First, we are not a “rescue” organization. And second, people who volunteer to non-volunteer agencies usually:
a. Want a free horse, or
b. Are so mentally imbalanced that even legitimate horse rescue organizations, who are desperate for volunteers, cannot deal with them, or
c. Want to harass their neighbors into surrendering their horses to them, (see item a), or
d. Have been unable to get hired by a legitimate animal welfare agency (see item b)
Q: Is this the right number to call if I want to pay my cable bill?
A: Sure is. What’s your credit card number?
