Topic: Venictive
Dear Skye222,
This is just a little open letter I’m writing to remind you, and anyone else who cares to read it, that, once again, you lose. You lose big time, baby! If there were a town called Loserdale, where up was down and down was sideways, you’d be their zoning commissioner. I bet you thought I was going to say you’d be the Mayor of Loserdale, but Mayor is an elected position, and, as I’ve mentioned, you are a loser. While I’m sure you possess plenty of pleasing attributes, say, pretty hair and keen command of Latin verb congregation, I can only attest to the clawing desperation and pathetic attempts at one-upsmanship you’ve exhibited when our paths have crossed, time and time again. There we have stood, metaphorically face to face, clashing repeatedly and bloodlessly on the eBay battlefield, thereafter resuming our travels down opposing forks in the road. My road is sunlit and shade-dappled, leading me northeast toward Victory with the glad weight of my gleaming prize in my hands! Your northwestern road inclines sharply where the pavement ends, loops around in a sudden and treacherous U-Turn, and propels you flailing back into the dark oblivion from whence you slithered, repeatedly struck by lightning and golf ball-sized hail. The bare trees lash out at you as you stagger by, head dropped in defeat, and even the burning shame you feel at having been once again bested by me will not warm your cold, empty hands.
The words “nemesis” and “arch-rival” are thrown around with the ineffective frequency of words like “suggested donation” and “no shirt, no shoes, no service” nowadays, so I shan’t bother to use them here. Frankly, I’d prefer a nemesis who doesn’t collect “Kissy Dolls” and dress them up in real baby clothes, anyway. Yes, that’s right; I know all about your “Kissy Dolls,” those grotesquely apple-cheeked plastic abominations that make “kissy” noises at you when you squeeze their arms together. Yes, I’ve checked your feedback. I’ve seen the auctions you’ve won. How many of these things do you need? What joy could you possibly glean from a product described thus:
“This all vinyl, 16" doll, called Tiny Kissy, is the re-issued version of a very popular early 60s doll by Ideal. I believe that she may have only been made for one year, 1966. There were a few different versions of the Kissy doll but this 1966 doll had an updated look to go with the times. She has very wonderful coloring. She is in excellent condition. Her kissing feature works when her arms are squeezed toward each other however I can't really say I hear a loud kissing sound if that is what it is supposed to do. It’s more like a gentle pop. She is a strung doll so can pose without a stand once she is balanced properly. This Kissy has on her original dress and panties. The elastic has worn out in the panties so they are being held up with a safety pin. Her orange hair ribbon is a replacement as are her socks and shoes. The outfit has no holes, rips, or stains. It is possible that her hair may have been slightly trimmed in back. I only say this because it seems a little bit shorter on one side than the other. It is possible that it is not though, as this is the only one of this type I have actually seen in my many years of collecting. ”
Who would want some lopsided old doll in ratty underpants making “popping” sounds at them? On what level is that experience attractive? Why not slap a wig on a roll of bubble wrap and give it a big ol’ squeeze? That’ll tilt your pop’o’meter! For the sake of all things tasteful, please go out and get yourself a cat. You could even name it “Kissy” and dress it up and push it around in a stroller if you must. At least it would be a real living thing, able to respond to your affections without having its arms forcibly crossed. Heck, you could even purchase a real non-Caucasian baby for half of what you’ve spent on your “Kissy” collection---or so I’ve heard.
But I’m making unnecessary judgments here. Hell, buy every damned “Kissy” doll in creation for all I care. I’m willing to “Kissy” and make up on that point, but you’re not satisfied with “Kissies,” are you Skye222? No, you must also collect dolls named Maggie. Little stuffed monsters named Maggie, 1790’s pre-Barbie fashion dolls named Maggie, and Maggie brand doll clothes. The whole sordid story is there in your feedback; prompt payments, courteous emails, excellent eBayer. But between the lines there lies a story of a woman spiraling madly out of control and on a fateful collision course with ruin.
Here she is: Sweet Suckin’ Maggie. Mint in package from 1990 and the only one of its kind to appear on eBay in 6 years. Squeeze her tummy and she sucks on her pacifier. Yes, a doll named Maggie that makes simulated mouth noises. Oh, how you must have wanted her. She must have haunted your dreams before she began to haunt your nightmares, for, for a brief period of time, you may have foolishly believed she could be yours. Surely you saw that I, “sirsimpsonator666” had already bid on Sweet Suckin’ Maggie. Surely you must have recognized my moniker from the countless other “Maggie” items I’ve snatched from your grasping talons. Need I remind you of the Maggie Simpson birthday candle debacle? Sure, you may have won that Maggie Simpson “Babyface” mug, but I was just tossing you a bone. I don’t care for hot beverages.
But how you could have underestimated my prowess on the Sweet Suckin’ Maggie auction, I shall never know. For you see, to me she is not simply another orally-fixated answer to the hollow emptiness in an echoing womb. She is the missing piece to a complete collection of 11 inch 1990 Mattel Simpson Dolls. You can’t have a Really Rude Bart with his kazoo that simulates unfortunate digestive side effects and a Bubble Blowin’ Lisa with her saxophone that blows bubbles without a Sweet Suckin Maggie there between them. It’s an unbalance that threatens the very cosmos.
Does cosmic balance mean nothing to you? What kind of a collector are you, anyway? Attempting to break up a complete, mint in package set is the ultimate eBay sin, yet there you were, clutching some popping doll in soiled undergarments and attempting to outbid me. And what’s with every bid ending with .35? You think I’m not onto that trick by now? Do you honestly think I’d allow myself to be outbid by a paltry 35 cents? Note that my winning bid ends in .85. A ha! Take that!
Why couldn’t you just walk away? Why did you have to keep bidding? Do you not yet realize that I am relentless? But no, you had to keep bidding and driving up the price, long after every other bidder had recoiled in dismay and went off to bid on something else. There you were, trying to best me by 35 cents at 10 second intervals through the entire last minute of the auction. Damn you, woman! The auction would have ended at $60.00 if you had just walked away. Perhaps you take some sort of sick satisfaction in knowing that I am now $147.85 poorer, and have been forbidden to bid on another Simpsons eBay auction for an undetermined period of time. That’s fine...for you of all people should know that Sweet Suckin’ Maggie is worth it. And just so you know, for less than another 3 paltry dollars she could have been yours. Yes, that’s right. $150.00 was the limit of the money I could beg, borrow, or steal for this auction. 3 bucks! You’ve probably got that much in change rolling around in your car!
Before I sign off to go admire the way the afternoon sunlight sparkles off the clear plastic window of the box that holds my Sweet Suckin’ Treasure, I just thought I’d tell you that I really like that 22” 1961 Ideal “Kissy” Doll you’re currently bidding on over there on eBay. While I’m not allowed to bid on Simpsons auctions, there was never any mention made of “Kissy” dolls. Wouldn’t it be just horrible to have to pay three times what she’s worth just because some crackpot decides he wants it? Wouldn’t that be awful? And if he won, I’m sure he’d pull it right out of the box it’s been protected in for 40 years and give “Kissy” a sassy new hair do. Then he might just offer “Kissy’s” head up for aution on eBay.
You never know.
